I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided to create a list of the many benefits of adopting me right now or sometime in the future. I realize it’s a bit unusual for a grown man to ask to be adopted, but I implore you to consider it and hopefully see that it will be nothing but beneficial for both you and your husband, Hiroshi.
1. No pregnancies, no birthing process. You wouldn’t have to suffer carrying me for nine months. You wouldn’t have to pay a doula either for whatever it is they do.
You wouldn’t have to worry about breastfeeding! I’ve known you forever and I know you don’t like me like that. Also, I was never breastfed as a child so I really wouldn’t know what I was missing. To be quite honest, I’ve developed a bit of lactose intolerance throughout the years. Maybe because I wasn’t breastfed as a child, who knows?
2. You wouldn’t have to worry about toilet-training me, teaching me how to walk, etc. I can go to the bathroom by myself, I shower twice a day, and not only can I walk, I can also drive, and my license is good for both South Korea and North America.
I’m a very poor swimmer though, so in an emergency situation, I will probably drag us both down to our deaths.
3. My mom has sadly passed away over ten years ago and my dad is never in the country I’m currently in. I’m practically an orphan.
4. No need to save up for college. I already graduated from university twice, so you’re saving quite a bit. You don’t have to help me with my student loans either. You can always send me back to school if you want to though. You want me to grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer? Sure, I’ll go back to school. I don’t mind. I’ll be one of those Asian kids who overdo it in school if you want me to.
5. I am a brown man who can go either light brown or really dark depending on how much sun I get. Just ask my wife. So I can look Filipino, Hispanic, Indian, Indonesian, or Aboriginal. Seriously, I’ve been confused for so many races in the past. So that’s quite a wide range of options for race for your kid.
6. I’ve met Hiroshi twice already and get along with him. I also get along well with the Lerouxs, except maybe Richard. I’ve had a couple of classes with him in high school, but he was never in my circle of friends. Anyway, I’d be the perfect person to have a beer with Hiroshi. I could also go head to head with him when it comes to eating. What a proud father he would be!
7. Wendy loves me! We could hang out and have coffee and just shoot the breeze. It’ll be kinda weird to call her grandma, so I probably wouldn’t do that.
8. Don’t you want a son who shares your love for the Winnipeg Jets? I’m open minded about basketball, but I could never love any team from Ontario, so the Raptors are out.
9. I’m patriotic as hell. If I could, I would kiss Canada in the mouth (with her permission, of course. #metoo #woke). I love Canada so much that I instinctively mention if something is Canadian. I do this so much that it bothers my wife. “Who cares if Anne Murray is Canadian?!” Well, I find it amazing that they are playing ‘You Needed Me’ in a bus in Seoul. I mean, who the fuck knows Anne Murray in Korea?!
I vote and keep up with news both in Canada and in the world. If you care to talk about politics, I could do that. I am also mindful to avoid talking about politics or to tolerate opposing views. I’m not a baby who would insist that voting conservative will save the country from liberal depravity. And no, I don’t listen to Jordan Peterson, but I would politely tolerate the presence of someone who is a fan of his while quietly thinking to myself that I am in the company of an idiot.
10. I’ve gotten over my awkward teens, so you don’t have to worry about that. No need to have an awkward birds and the bees talk either. And to be quite honest, I never had the birds and the bees talk with my real dad either. He just showed me a page of a Playboy magazine, telling me, “This is what you want, boy.” I think he was afraid of me turning gay.
Anyway, I’m not gay, and I hope you’re okay with that and accept me for what I am. You don’t have to worry about me being bullied or falling in with the wrong crowd. You don’t have to worry about me being a nerd either, that is, unless you consider someone who enjoys musicals as being a nerd, because I do enjoy musicals.
I’m also done with my wild phase during my 20s. You were witness to some of that, and that Joe is long dead and gone. You wouldn’t have to worry about me getting into any shenanigans. What you’ll get now is a son who is pragmatic, experienced enough about life, who is tired of living but is unfortunately scared of of the grim specter of death.
11. Aside from childhood asthma I’ve long outgrown, I have no allergies or serious health issues. My real family has a history of diabetes, but I’ve been watching my diet. I exercise regularly and I believe I still weigh the same as I have for over ten years. One thing however, I have grandparents who died from cancer, relatives who died from cancer, and my mother died from cancer. Do you see a pattern here?
I believe death runs in my family.
12. My grammar and spelling are impeccable. I am an advocate of the Oxford comma, but due to my time as an editor in Korea, I often spell “theater” not “theatre” along with other words that end in “re/er.” Bonus points however, I use the word “nonplussed” accurately.
13. Unlike a baby, I actually work and do things. I can do chores and pay bills.
I can feed myself and don’t make a fuss when I’m hungry. Heck, I even skip meals when the need arises or when I feel like it. No tears about it. No bothering mom and dad. Oh and I’m not a picky eater. I will try to eat anything at least once. I can’t stand pumpkin blossoms though. Yeah, it’s unusual, but pumpkin blossoms are vile.
14. I am already married but have no interest in kids. Now, you might think that’s a bad thing, but that also means I won’t be getting some teenage girl pregnant and you won’t suddenly be a grandma at a young age.
15. I am quite handy around the house, unlike other babies. I can fix things and often use the Internet to solve problems by myself. I’ve unclogged toilets and drains, fixed refrigerators and washing machines, dealth with bug infestations, etc. Infants can’t do that, They’re useless!
16. I am a Roman Catholic but I don’t regularly attend church. I could sit through church however without making a fuss. And no, I won’t push my religion on you nor try to save your soul or Hiroshi’s from the eternal flames of damnation. I am no evangelist. I just consider Jesus as a personal friend and savior.
Well, that’s all I could think of for now. Please think about it. If you have any questions, just message me or whatever. Unlike babies, I can actually use a phone.